um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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