Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
