i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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