I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
