The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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