theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
