you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
