I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
