highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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