On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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