TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
