You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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