I want to have your abortion
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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