I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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