my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Randomize
