then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
