The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
