My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
