M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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