Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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