Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
