How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were trust falling into bushes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
