Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
