your parents love me but you hate me
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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