They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
