I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
