I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
