I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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