the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
