wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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