He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
