At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
