last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
