How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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