If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
