dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
