I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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