Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
