Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
