Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
