Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Swine flu is the new snow day.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
