My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
