Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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