Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
