the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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