We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
