dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
