don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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