Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
