the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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