Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
