I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
